Resist Hate

Sound bites of hate and fear surrounding the ongoing conflict in the Middle East tumble through our televisions and radios relentlessly. I felt compelled to offer a counter balance with the words of Martin Luther King jnr.

Volumes have of course been written about his words of wisdom during a time when the source or fear was the colour of a person’s skin, those same words are applicable now the same fear and hate stems from whether a person attends a mosque or a church. Here are a few of Martin Luther King junior’s words to ponder to break the chain of hate.

“We must all learn to live together as brothers. Or we will all perish together as fools.”

“Here is the true meaning of value and compassion and nonviolence when it helps us to see the enemy’s point of view. To hear his questions, to know his assessment of ourselves. For from his view we may indeed see the basic weakness of our own condition, and if we are mature, we may learn and grow and profit from the wisdom of the brother who are called opposition.”

“If I hit you and you hit me and I hit you back, you see, that goes on infinitum. It just never ends. Somewhere somebody must have a little sense, and that’s the strong person. The strong person is the person who can cut off the chain of hate, the chain of evil.”

“The potential beauty of human life is constantly made ugly by man’s ever-recurring song of retaliation.”

“If we assume that life is worth living, if we assume that mankind has a right to survive, then we must find an alternative to war.”

For more ideas on how to combat negativity have a look at my hope challenge eBook.

 

Handling Emotions

Using the term handling emotions doesn’t mean to ignore or suppress emotions it means to not let your emotions control you. The following steps outline the basics of managing emotions. This is a starting point to reduce the effect of strong emotions on conflict resolution.

1. Examine your triggers

It’s not the event that causes the emotion but what you thought about the event. E.g. you are angry at your partner for being late for a special dinner. Being late was the trigger but how intense your reaction is depends on how you interpreted their tardiness. For instance if you thought that it was an indication that they don’t respect you then you are going to be more angry than if you thought they needed better time management skills.

Ask yourself if you’re projecting an unwanted characteristic onto others e.g. you are the one who is often late and you dislike that trait in yourself.

Examining your triggers helps you determine what is really fuelling the conflict. E.g. not lack of promptness but lack of respect. You need to understand why it’s important to you before you can express that to the other parties in the conflict.

2. Release emotions

Again I want to reiterate that releasing emotions does not mean supressing or denying. It’s about finding a way to reduce the intensity of the emotion so it’s not building to a point when you can no longer stop inappropriate outbursts or prevent the emotion from being internalised as shame, guilt or resentment. Releasing emotions is also about stepping out of the victim role and being prepared to see the reality of the situation without bias. Therefore enabling you to see what is true about yourself and in turn the other party.

How you release the emotion will depend on the intensity. If you scored your emotion from 5- 10 in the mine for emotions worksheet in part one, you may need to express and release the emotion physically. E.g. safely using a punching bag, running or swimming. This helps prevent the emotion from being stored in the body as tension. If you scored between one and five, emotions can usually be released through relaxation or breathing exercises. For more ideas on releasing and letting go emotions click here.

3. Use the emotion

Use the emotion to motivate change. Don’t place the responsibility for reducing or moderating your emotions on someone else. You are responsible for taking steps to get your needs met. For instance an argument about being late isn’t going to get your need for respect met unless you communicate what respect means to you, why it’s important to you and the specifics on how your partner can show their respect. If honest and open communication is difficult for you use your anger to motivate you to step outside your comfort zone rather than use that anger to blame others for your current unhappiness.

Part three will look at your goals and priorities in conflict situations.

Step one in conflict resolution

Recently I have been doing extra study and research in the area of conflict resolution. For the purpose of wide scale application in a variety of settings and time poor environments much of the literature does not cover the important cognitive and emotional work that needs to be done prior to attempting conflict resolution.

In an effort to integrate conflict resolution skills with psychological theory I would like to outline my suggestions for step one of conflict resolution. Beginning with interpersonal analysis and skill development. These steps are based on the assumption that where possible, resolution is most likely when an individual deals with their internal conflicts before dealing with external conflicts with another party.

Step one – Mine for emotions

When you think about the conflict situation or event that instigated the conflict name the emotion and give it a rank out of 10 for intensity, with 10 being the highest. Next describe the trigger for the emotion i.e. the who, what, when, and where of the event. Now explore your interpretation of the situation. Your beliefs, assumptions, thoughts, and judgements surrounding the situation. Where do you feel the emotion in your body? For example a tension headache, nauseous, tight muscles. What reaction does the emotion cause, as in what do you feel like doing or saying.

All this brings the emotion to the surface so that the feeling is no longer unconsciously affecting your reaction to the situation or person. This aids in reducing the intensity of the emotion and if necessary letting go of the emotions that negatively influence your ability to explore options that are fair to all parties.

Finally investigate the positive and negative purpose of the emotion. Emotions may be both destructive and constructive, for instance, anger can cause you to lose objectivity but may also be a positive motivator to make changes in your life. Hurt is of course painful but can also tell you what needs are not being met. Fear can alert you to the fact that you need to take care how you proceed or that you may need help or support to take the next step. Guilt and regret can motivate you to do things differently and take action to prevent similar situations in the future.

Also ask yourself if holding onto the emotion is keeping you stuck or feeling powerless. Is the emotion creating a barrier between you and change or you and conflict resolution?

Do not judge yourself for having emotions, denying or supressing your emotions will not help you or the situation. It’s okay to be angry or hurt it’s not okay to let it prevent you from moving forward. Accept emotions are part of being human.

Step two – handling emotions – will examine the thoughts behind the emotions, how to manage emotions and how to make sure you are not projecting your emotions onto others.

To see the Mine for emotions questions as a worksheet you can fill out click here