Paths to Forgiveness – Final thoughts

 

Despite what you may have been told there is such a thing as healthy unforgiving. This can occur when you give yourself permission to progress through hurt, trauma and pain at your pace based on your needs not the agenda of others.

The journey to resolution has many paths. It’s okay to feel emotions but not to be trapped by them or trapped in a cycle of destruction anger and resentment. If you are feeling stuck or that you can’t go forward because you are bogged down by the pressure to forgive – remember the way out of the mud of forgiveness or destructive emotions  isn’t to keep spinning your wheels. That will only cause you to slip deeper into the bog. Letting go requires gently nudging the wheels back and forth a little at a time, this allows you to get out of the mud and drive forward.

You decide when you’re ready to open the door to forgiveness and you decide that you can live a healthy and well adjusted life until that time.

Paths to Forgiveness – Part 4

If forgiveness is your priority make sure you forgive yourself first

If you believe the person who hurt or contributed to your pain has a right to your compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Don’t forget you deserve that too.

It’s important to forgive yourself for:

• For how you coped – forgive yourself for how you survived – for how you got to this point  – even if that involved self medication with drugs or alcohol, isolating yourself or pushing away friends and family.
• For not being ready to forgive – The pressure to forgive can keep you stuck – let go of the pressure for now. You can come back to it when the time is right.
• For being angry and other intense yet normal emotions including depression or anxiety.

Give yourself permission to take care of yourself emotionally and learn to self soothe

Try the following exercises:-

• Rain visualisation – Imagine lying on the grass with warm rain gently washing away negative emotions e.g. feelings of blame for self or others, feelings of hatred for self or others. Alternatively imagine blowing those negative emotions into a balloon. See yourself tie it up and let it float away.
• Light visualisation – Imagine a white light surrounding your body, calming you  – saturating you with energy and strength – protecting you but still allowing you to connect to others. This visualisation in combination with breathing exercises or meditation is very effective.

If forgiveness is your priority for religious reasons ask yourself what you need to reach a place of forgiveness. One idea is a god box – literally a box where you place letters to god i.e. dear god, help me find compassion for myself.

Give your heart the chance to catch up to your head.

“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.” Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

If you desire the capacity to forgive it’s okay to treat it like a marathon rather than a sprint. Allow yourself time to build up the emotional muscles required. If you have read the previous posts on forgiveness then you have already started to build those muscles by externalising and gaining control over negative and harmful emotions.

Give yourself permission to find the path to forgiveness that is right for you.

Paths to Forgiveness – Part 3

If someone has caused you pain or trauma it’s okay not to be ready to forgive them. It’s okay if you don’t think forgiveness is possible right now. It’s not okay to let that stop you from healing and moving forward.

Instead of forgiveness ask yourself how you can let go

Letting go of the desire for the past to be different isn’t saying what was done to you is okay. Letting go of wanting an apology from the perpetrator is not condoning the behaviour. Letting go of the desire for revenge is not minimising your pain.

Letting go is about deciding you have the power to let go of the emotions and thoughts that keep you stuck in the pain and prevent you from moving on. You have the power not the person who hurt you.

 “When we let go of unhelpful stories we stop the trajectory of those stories targeting our future.” Paul Bailey

Exercises that might help to externalise the emotions and gain a sense of control: –

• Try the leaf exercise again from paths to forgiveness part two only this time write down the negative emotions you want to let go and watch them float away. Or write on a piece of paper and burn (safely).   
• Imagine yourself making an Emotion Pie – You decide what goes into the pie i.e. which ingredients go it and how much. If you want a bitter, inedible pie you can decide to fill it with negative emotions. If you want something sweet and delicious fill it with positive emotions. In the early stages of healing from a traumatic event it’s perfectly normal to still have the negative ingredients in the kitchen cupboard but it’s up to you how much use the ingredients get. It may sound overly simple but the reality is you decide what emotions get attention and what emotions you want to be a part of your daily life and taste every day.
• See if you can sum up the emotions or thoughts you want to pay more attention to in just a few words. Write them on a small piece of paper and tape them to a water ball. Leave the water bottle overnight and drink from the bottle the next day. Apart from the interesting quantum physics that take place the exercise is about taking control. If its anger that’s keeping you stuck try writing the opposite emotion. E.g. peace. If its helplessness try reliance or strength.  Maybe it’s just the words let go. Remember I am not saying there is anything wrong with anger just when it becomes a gateway to more pain for yourself or if it becomes all consuming.

These exercises are a starting point in the process of letting go. It’s a way of ritualistically saying – I have taken the first step – I have taken action and I will find a way to move forward.

“To let go is to fear less and love more.” Louise L hay

Paths to Forgiveness – Part Two

It’s normal to be stuck wishing the past could be different. You’re allowed to be sad for what you have lost i.e. innocence and trust. You’re allowed to be sad for how things could be different and to wish a painful event had never happened.

It helps to let yourself grieve and be sad about what you feel you have lost. Moving through the grief rather than denying or avoiding helps to progress towards acceptance that the past cannot be changed.

 “Giving up hope for a better past we reclaim the energy for the future.” Paul Bailey

Ask yourself what keeps you bound to the person who hurt you

Ask yourself if wanting something from the other person keeps the wound open and fresh. It’s normal to want someone to apologise or acknowledge the pain they have caused. It’s normal to think this will help you move on. Unfortunately the perpetrator may never be willing or capable of saying sorry or feeling guilty or remorse much less express remorse for the pain and anguish they have caused. Your pain and anger won’t change their capacity for insight. You will experience the consequence of waiting, not them.

It is key to accept you cannot change the person who hurt you. Thinking you can move on only when the perpetrator changes only keeps you stuck. Instead focus on how you can change.

“Being stuck wanting something from the perpetrator is like going back to an empty well for water. Your bucket is going to come up dry.” Susan Forward.

Exercises that might help: –

Please note these exercise can be very difficult and will be further explored in following blogs. Just like part one, these exercises are about externalising the emotion and taking back control.  At first you may not feel the symbolic exercise has lessened your desire for a reaction from the perpetrator but the act of doing the exercise is the first step to acknowledging you have the power to release yourself from the ties that bind you to the perpetrator.

• Letting go of wanting an apology – Write on a leaf the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. Place the leaf in a  waterway and watch it float away. Every time you feel yourself wishing for an apology or response from the perpetrator visualise the leaf floating away and along with it your desire for the words.
• Write on a piece of paper the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. On a separate piece of paper write down how your life would be different if you heard those words from the person who hurt you. Take the first piece of paper and burn it (safely).  Now ask yourself who has the power to make the things on the second bit of paper a reality. Don’t give the perpetrator the power to decide if you are able to move on. Act as if you already have everything you need to move forward. You can’t change the past, you can’t change the perpetrator. Don’t let someone else control how and when you take steps towards resolution.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Oprah Winfrey

Paths to Forgiveness – Part one

When a wrong has been done to us e.g. cheating spouse or crime we are told the road to recovery involves forgiveness. We are told that the appropriate response to injury or wrong doing is to cease to harbour resentment and anger.

Health professionals what you to forgive and place emphasis on the importance of forgiving due to the studies that show forgiving has physical and emotional health benefits.

Forgiveness is also a religious concept. Many religions from Judaism to Hinduism view forgiveness as a divine act. In the Christian religion forgiveness is seen as a virtue necessary for God’s forgiveness and therefore salvation.

Both medical and religious perspectives on forgiveness place a huge amount of pressure on us to forgive those that wrong us and suggest forgiveness if a perquisite for physical, psychological and spiritual well being.

It’s a myth. It is possible to move on from hurt and pain without forgiveness.

It okay to not be ready. It’s okay to be angry and hurt. It’s okay to grieve for the person you were before the hurt or anger. It’s okay because it’s a normal human reaction

Instead of forgiveness ask yourself what others ways you can use or channel that anger.

Anger is the most common emotion after going through a hurtful experience. It is true anger can become destructive and unhealthy but it can also be helpful to your journey towards recovery.

You don’t have a choice whether you feel the anger but you do have a choice as to where it takes you. What you use the anger to do.

Anger is a great motivator. Many victims of crime have used their anger to get involved in activism and support groups. Anger can be used to seek help and take the necessary steps to heal.  In cases of abuse anger is considered an adaptive and healthy emotion that helps a survivor gain insight into the fact that they are worthy of being in a healthy relationship. Denying their anger and forgiving the perpetrator often leads to remaining in a destructive relationship and continuing the cycle of abuse where the perpetrator seeks forgiveness but continues the behaviour. Sexual abuse survivors often gain a sense of peace and regain their self esteem by being given permission not forgive.

Instead of forgiving ask yourself how you can process and express your anger without letting the emotion become unhealthy or unsafe to yourself or others. Learn the difference between anger and violence as well as other unhelpful emotions.

Exercises to try that may help:-

Describe and change anger visualisation

• Try to describe your anger. Give it a shape, colour, sound, texture. Then try to imagination that anger being slowly transformed. E.g. If your anger seems spiky and red see it gradually transform to smooth and white.

Throw away the emotions you don’t want.

• Write the emotions you don’t want on a rock and throw away. E.g. write or etch the word anger on a rock and throw into waterway.

Swimming

• Swimming can help you to express and release anger. Feel the anger being pushed out of your body with every stroke, every kick of your legs. See it being left behind you in your wake and cleansed by the water. Infuse your strokes with emotion and feel the power of your body to move through that emotion. Don’t be afraid to yell or scream under the water. Let it out. Let it dissolve into the bubbles around you.
• You can use any kind of exercise to release anger. Many people find using a punching bag helpful but it must be done with the proper safety gear. Be forceful with your intentions but be kind to yourself.

These exercises are about eternalising emotions like anger. This helps you feel a sense of control over your emotions. This is an important first step on the pathway to forgiveness.