It’s normal to be stuck wishing the past could be different. You’re allowed to be sad for what you have lost i.e. innocence and trust. You’re allowed to be sad for how things could be different and to wish a painful event had never happened.
It helps to let yourself grieve and be sad about what you feel you have lost. Moving through the grief rather than denying or avoiding helps to progress towards acceptance that the past cannot be changed.
“Giving up hope for a better past we reclaim the energy for the future.” Paul Bailey
Ask yourself what keeps you bound to the person who hurt you
Ask yourself if wanting something from the other person keeps the wound open and fresh. It’s normal to want someone to apologise or acknowledge the pain they have caused. It’s normal to think this will help you move on. Unfortunately the perpetrator may never be willing or capable of saying sorry or feeling guilty or remorse much less express remorse for the pain and anguish they have caused. Your pain and anger won’t change their capacity for insight. You will experience the consequence of waiting, not them.
It is key to accept you cannot change the person who hurt you. Thinking you can move on only when the perpetrator changes only keeps you stuck. Instead focus on how you can change.
“Being stuck wanting something from the perpetrator is like going back to an empty well for water. Your bucket is going to come up dry.” Susan Forward.
Exercises that might help: –
Please note these exercise can be very difficult and will be further explored in following blogs. Just like part one, these exercises are about externalising the emotion and taking back control. At first you may not feel the symbolic exercise has lessened your desire for a reaction from the perpetrator but the act of doing the exercise is the first step to acknowledging you have the power to release yourself from the ties that bind you to the perpetrator.
- Letting go of wanting an apology – Write on a leaf the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. Place the leaf in a waterway and watch it float away. Every time you feel yourself wishing for an apology or response from the perpetrator visualise the leaf floating away and along with it your desire for the words.
- Write on a piece of paper the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. On a separate piece of paper write down how your life would be different if you heard those words from the person who hurt you. Take the first piece of paper and burn it (safely). Now ask yourself who has the power to make the things on the second bit of paper a reality. Don’t give the perpetrator the power to decide if you are able to move on. Act as if you already have everything you need to move forward. You can’t change the past, you can’t change the perpetrator. Don’t let someone else control how and when you take steps towards resolution.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Oprah Winfrey
Hope Blog 
Hi, I found this article on forgiveness very interesting. I am a dispute resolution practitioner and work most often with people stuck in their belief that they will only heal when the other person changes or admits to their wrong-doing. So, I would like to discuss helping these people shift some more.
But I would most like to understand from you what would you suggest if the person you need to forgive is yourself? How do make this anger productive and become a part of our future growth rather than keeping us firmly lodged in our past? I am interested in your thoughts and articles you would suggest for me to read?
Thankyou for your thoughts.
Thanks for your comment. Having done some work both doing and teaching dispute resolution I know how much issues of blame and forgiveness cloud the process. In general counselling one of the main ways I differ from many other counsellors is telling clients its okay not to be ready to forgive. It’s okay if you don’t think forgiveness is possible right now. It’s not okay to let that stop you from healing and moving forward. Instead of putting the emphasis on forgiveness move through the steps to letting go i.e. letting go of the desire for the past to be different or the perpetrator to change.
My preference when clients want to forgive someone else (if the client is willing) is to explore forgiving themselves first. By reinforcing that if you believe the perpetrator has a right to your compassion and understanding and forgiveness. Don’t forget you deserve that too.
I am going to expand on all of these points in future posts as well as suggestions for practical exercises. This isn’t just an intellectual pursuit.
As for further reading if really depends on which perspective you or your client comes from i.e. Christian or Buddhist, spiritual or psychological. In the case of paths to forgiveness the framework drastically changes the way you approach forgiveness i.e. many people find the concept of swapping forgiveness with letting go incompatible with their belief system. Hope this of some help until I get the other posts up.
I am comforted somewhat to hear you say you normalise not wanting to forgive. When coaching clients, I work on what are the individual’s underlying assumptions, beliefs and values that have been thwarted by the situation creating the conflict and build skills and techniques to manage themselves in those moments. To help them remain their best when threatened by circumstances. I find with increased understanding of our own reactions and needs, comes the ability to let go, and the ‘requirement’ to forgive loses power and relevancy in some cases, as the client becomes more self-differentiated – they are able to hold themselves separate from the other person and then build forgiveness within. Not sure if this is making sense.
I also find that if I am curious about their personal beliefs and values, and how these ‘play-out’ in everyday, their faith or religious beliefs are a supporting belief rather than coming from a place of judgement, which is often where the requirement to forgive is borne.
Anyway, I am enjoying how this conversation is getting my thinking moving, and look forward to more.
Also, in the interests of openness, I connected to your website through a good friend of mine – Ben, who is also my equestrian coach and whom I often have similar conversations. I believe you both to be gifted.
Your discussion points are why I’m doing several posts on the issue of forgiveness or rather healthy unforgiving. The concept is so tied up in moral conditioning. Hence the use of exercises that are less academic and more about externalizing and separating the emotions. I pretty much think forgiveness is similar to conflict resolution in that it’s not about victory but progress. People can become fixated on wanting to conquer forgiveness rather than moving forward.
So glad to hear Ben is your coach. He’s a brilliant coach and an even better person.
[…] the leaf exercise again from paths to forgiveness part two only this time write down the negative emotions you want to let go and watch them float away. Or […]