Paths to Forgiveness – Final thoughts

 

Despite what you may have been told there is such a thing as healthy unforgiving. This can occur when you give yourself permission to progress through hurt, trauma and pain at your pace based on your needs not the agenda of others.

The journey to resolution has many paths. It’s okay to feel emotions but not to be trapped by them or trapped in a cycle of destruction anger and resentment. If you are feeling stuck or that you can’t go forward because you are bogged down by the pressure to forgive – remember the way out of the mud of forgiveness or destructive emotions  isn’t to keep spinning your wheels. That will only cause you to slip deeper into the bog. Letting go requires gently nudging the wheels back and forth a little at a time, this allows you to get out of the mud and drive forward.

You decide when you’re ready to open the door to forgiveness and you decide that you can live a healthy and well adjusted life until that time.

Power Word

I often talk about wanting to spread the word that hope is possible. If you had to narrow it down to one word that you want to spread throughout the world what would it be?

I also believe in the power of words on a small, more personal level. Try summing up what you want more of in your life in one word. Instead of using the post-it notes to write endless lists for groceries, chores etc. (Which if you’re anything like me it’s a list of things you keep conveniently forgetting about because you really don’t want to do it.)  Instead of bombarding your world with words that put you in a bad mood every time you look at them (again this may only be in my case as it’s the “not want to-do list”) write your power word on pieces of paper and stick one your fridge, computer screen or put it in your wallet. The more the word occupies your physical environment and therefore your thoughts both consciously and unconsciously the more likely it is you’ll bring it to fruition.

For me its grace. I don’t just mean because I have tendency to be clumsy, I mean I admire those that approach difficult situations with graceful strength and would like to find a way to emulate that and if a side effect is less bruises from running into the coffee table than I’ll take that too.

Paths to Forgiveness – Part 4

If forgiveness is your priority make sure you forgive yourself first

If you believe the person who hurt or contributed to your pain has a right to your compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Don’t forget you deserve that too.

It’s important to forgive yourself for:

• For how you coped – forgive yourself for how you survived – for how you got to this point  – even if that involved self medication with drugs or alcohol, isolating yourself or pushing away friends and family.
• For not being ready to forgive – The pressure to forgive can keep you stuck – let go of the pressure for now. You can come back to it when the time is right.
• For being angry and other intense yet normal emotions including depression or anxiety.

Give yourself permission to take care of yourself emotionally and learn to self soothe

Try the following exercises:-

• Rain visualisation – Imagine lying on the grass with warm rain gently washing away negative emotions e.g. feelings of blame for self or others, feelings of hatred for self or others. Alternatively imagine blowing those negative emotions into a balloon. See yourself tie it up and let it float away.
• Light visualisation – Imagine a white light surrounding your body, calming you  – saturating you with energy and strength – protecting you but still allowing you to connect to others. This visualisation in combination with breathing exercises or meditation is very effective.

If forgiveness is your priority for religious reasons ask yourself what you need to reach a place of forgiveness. One idea is a god box – literally a box where you place letters to god i.e. dear god, help me find compassion for myself.

Give your heart the chance to catch up to your head.

“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.” Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

If you desire the capacity to forgive it’s okay to treat it like a marathon rather than a sprint. Allow yourself time to build up the emotional muscles required. If you have read the previous posts on forgiveness then you have already started to build those muscles by externalising and gaining control over negative and harmful emotions.

Give yourself permission to find the path to forgiveness that is right for you.

You are not a failure

“Any man who keeps working is not a failure.” Ray Bradbury.

On the days spent toiling in obscurity you hope the above quote is true for you. It’s so much easier to be sure it’s true that hard work is rewarded when you’re telling someone else to never give up.

But for me when I am working on a project or novel that takes a long time to come to fruition it’s about remembering that with most work (especially creative pursuits) once the end result is presented, if you’ve done your job, the hard work becomes invisible. It’s true for any piece of art, successful career or achievement. For the most part there’s no such thing as an overnight success. You are not a failure if you make the value of the work the objective not the end result. Your value as a person isn’t dependant on the job you do but whether you’re doing that job well.

“You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down” Ray Bradbury.

 

It’s not all positive all the time

Even though this blog is called hope challenge it isn’t about minimizing the struggles and painful events. It isn’t about ignoring the negatives in your life or acting as if they don’t exist. Its normal and healthy to acknowledge negative events and situations. No matter how optimistic and hopeful you are not everything has to by all positive all the time. The reason I’m pointing this out is because I recently read a book about positive thinking. In one of the chapters it talked about turning a visit to the dentist into a positive. “A trip to the dentist is a chance for new insights e.g. I’m lucky to have teeth. Life without them would be less pleasurable. Without the pain of the drill my teeth would fall out.”

That is what I don’t mean.  You’re allowed to feel lousy about having to go to the dentist. It’s just about putting it in perspective e.g. I’m not gunna like about an hour of my day but I’m going to try not to let it ruin the other twenty three.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the negatives and acknowledge the consequences. To be mad or sad or whatever you need to be. But try not to let it be all you see.

Paths to Forgiveness – Part Two

It’s normal to be stuck wishing the past could be different. You’re allowed to be sad for what you have lost i.e. innocence and trust. You’re allowed to be sad for how things could be different and to wish a painful event had never happened.

It helps to let yourself grieve and be sad about what you feel you have lost. Moving through the grief rather than denying or avoiding helps to progress towards acceptance that the past cannot be changed.

 “Giving up hope for a better past we reclaim the energy for the future.” Paul Bailey

Ask yourself what keeps you bound to the person who hurt you

Ask yourself if wanting something from the other person keeps the wound open and fresh. It’s normal to want someone to apologise or acknowledge the pain they have caused. It’s normal to think this will help you move on. Unfortunately the perpetrator may never be willing or capable of saying sorry or feeling guilty or remorse much less express remorse for the pain and anguish they have caused. Your pain and anger won’t change their capacity for insight. You will experience the consequence of waiting, not them.

It is key to accept you cannot change the person who hurt you. Thinking you can move on only when the perpetrator changes only keeps you stuck. Instead focus on how you can change.

“Being stuck wanting something from the perpetrator is like going back to an empty well for water. Your bucket is going to come up dry.” Susan Forward.

Exercises that might help: –

Please note these exercise can be very difficult and will be further explored in following blogs. Just like part one, these exercises are about externalising the emotion and taking back control.  At first you may not feel the symbolic exercise has lessened your desire for a reaction from the perpetrator but the act of doing the exercise is the first step to acknowledging you have the power to release yourself from the ties that bind you to the perpetrator.

• Letting go of wanting an apology – Write on a leaf the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. Place the leaf in a  waterway and watch it float away. Every time you feel yourself wishing for an apology or response from the perpetrator visualise the leaf floating away and along with it your desire for the words.
• Write on a piece of paper the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. On a separate piece of paper write down how your life would be different if you heard those words from the person who hurt you. Take the first piece of paper and burn it (safely).  Now ask yourself who has the power to make the things on the second bit of paper a reality. Don’t give the perpetrator the power to decide if you are able to move on. Act as if you already have everything you need to move forward. You can’t change the past, you can’t change the perpetrator. Don’t let someone else control how and when you take steps towards resolution.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Oprah Winfrey

Which comes first the victim or the rescuer?

I was recently asked why people stay in victim mode long after a painful event. Though I think I had a long winded answer the simple fact is victim behaviour is rewarded with attention and sympathy and as long as there are rescuers there will be victims.

Everyone has the predisposition and capacity to wallow for longer than necessary and who doesn’t like a little sympathy and attention when things are going badly. But it can easily turn into being an emotional vampire. You can easily start to believe the world is against you and thus your circumstances are not your fault.

Those that step in to provide help are of course not always rescuers. But there is a fine line between well meaning support and keeping a person disempowered and needy to meet your own need to be useful and purposeful. This can often lead to a martyr like mentality where the person offering support begins to control and manipulate those they rescue while becoming more and more bitter about the demands placed on them.

Moving through painful times requires a desire to heal rather than a desire for sympathy. Helping people to move on requires showing empathy and clearing the path for the person to acknowledge and utilise their own resources wherever possible. Both parties have to face their fears to build a healthy relationship based on respect.

Trap of conditional happiness

It’s easy to get entrapped by the web of conditional happiness. We all need goals and dreams but we can’t make our happiness conditional on reaching those goals. For instance saying –

I will be happy when:-

I find the right job

I find the right partner

My children get jobs

When the sun shines

When the rain comes

This type of thinking prevents you from seeing the happiness you are capable of experiencing now. You don’t have to wait until all your dreams come true to find a sense of contentment. Step out of the trap of conditional happiness by making choices about the way you evaluate your current circumstances. For instance-

Decide I am happy because:-

I have options

I can stand on my own

My children are looking for work

The rain is good for the garden

I’m going to enjoy the fine weather while it lasts.

You are not trapped. You always have choices.

You can be happy when… Or find a way to be happy now.