Change – one small step

Most people don’t like change, and have an endless supply of excuses for putting off change. Most of us live by the Mark Twain quote –

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”

Which would be fine if you were exactly where you want to be in life. If your career, personal life and financial circumstances are all on track then you are one of the lucky few who don’t need to read on.

If you dream of a better life than the one you have now, the next quote is more helpful to live by.

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” Barack Obama.

Most of us put off even the small steps to change because unconsciously we know they might ignite powerful change. It’s normal for powerful change to be scary but it’s your choice if you want continue to make excuses and let fear hold you back.

If you’re sick of fear controlling your life take one small step towards change. Rather than the big things that are easy to justify postponing choose one small thing you have been meaning to do for ages. E.g. go out and buy the paint you want to start an art project. Clean out one draw instead of setting yourself the task of cleaning the entire house. While having your morning coffee do some research on the course you’ve always wanted to do.

Commit to one small step. Spend one hour fanning the flames of change instead of the flames of fear. One fire burns you and one clears the path towards your future.

How to use your own wisdom

Do you need to make a decision?

Are you so wrapped up in a conflict at work or at home that you are not sure if your position on the topic is reasonable?

Do you get yourself in trouble because you get swept up in your own emotions?

In these situation I use a really simple “wise mind” exercise that makes it easy to take control and chart all your conflicting emotions and thoughts. It’s also a reminder that even though we may be highly emotional or confused we all have the capacity to discern the right path for us.

Like most of my suggestions it may appear too simple to work but from my own experience and that of my clients it’s a good way to gain some clarity and confidence in your choices and convictions.

On a blank sheet of paper draw two large interlapping circles. e.g.

In one circle write emotional mind in the other write inventive mind and in the overlapping space write wise mind.

The trick in decision making or analysing a conflict situation is to activate our wise mind without denying our emotions or our opinions.

In the emotional mind circle write down all your feelings. No editing. Even if the emotions are destructive or negative the aim is to acknowledge them rather than judge yourself for them.

Then in the inventive mind circle write down what you think to be true.

Now try to write down what you know to be true in the wise mind circle. Stick to the facts. Not the good or bad, right or wrong, should or shouldn’t, fair or unfair.

By analysing the wise mind map you can accept and acknowledge your emotions and thus take steps to manage them. Then you can unglue your opinions and distorting emotions from the facts and define the who, what, when and where of each situation. This helps you to define your objectives in the situation and how to achieve them and respond from your wise mind rather than react from your emotional mind.

By putting your emotions and opinions into words a thought becomes just a thought and an emotion just an emotion rather than a guiding unconscious force in your life.

Paths to Forgiveness – Part 3

If someone has caused you pain or trauma it’s okay not to be ready to forgive them. It’s okay if you don’t think forgiveness is possible right now. It’s not okay to let that stop you from healing and moving forward.

Instead of forgiveness ask yourself how you can let go

Letting go of the desire for the past to be different isn’t saying what was done to you is okay. Letting go of wanting an apology from the perpetrator is not condoning the behaviour. Letting go of the desire for revenge is not minimising your pain.

Letting go is about deciding you have the power to let go of the emotions and thoughts that keep you stuck in the pain and prevent you from moving on. You have the power not the person who hurt you.

 “When we let go of unhelpful stories we stop the trajectory of those stories targeting our future.” Paul Bailey

Exercises that might help to externalise the emotions and gain a sense of control: –

• Try the leaf exercise again from paths to forgiveness part two only this time write down the negative emotions you want to let go and watch them float away. Or write on a piece of paper and burn (safely).   
• Imagine yourself making an Emotion Pie – You decide what goes into the pie i.e. which ingredients go it and how much. If you want a bitter, inedible pie you can decide to fill it with negative emotions. If you want something sweet and delicious fill it with positive emotions. In the early stages of healing from a traumatic event it’s perfectly normal to still have the negative ingredients in the kitchen cupboard but it’s up to you how much use the ingredients get. It may sound overly simple but the reality is you decide what emotions get attention and what emotions you want to be a part of your daily life and taste every day.
• See if you can sum up the emotions or thoughts you want to pay more attention to in just a few words. Write them on a small piece of paper and tape them to a water ball. Leave the water bottle overnight and drink from the bottle the next day. Apart from the interesting quantum physics that take place the exercise is about taking control. If its anger that’s keeping you stuck try writing the opposite emotion. E.g. peace. If its helplessness try reliance or strength.  Maybe it’s just the words let go. Remember I am not saying there is anything wrong with anger just when it becomes a gateway to more pain for yourself or if it becomes all consuming.

These exercises are a starting point in the process of letting go. It’s a way of ritualistically saying – I have taken the first step – I have taken action and I will find a way to move forward.

“To let go is to fear less and love more.” Louise L hay

Paths to Forgiveness – Part Two

It’s normal to be stuck wishing the past could be different. You’re allowed to be sad for what you have lost i.e. innocence and trust. You’re allowed to be sad for how things could be different and to wish a painful event had never happened.

It helps to let yourself grieve and be sad about what you feel you have lost. Moving through the grief rather than denying or avoiding helps to progress towards acceptance that the past cannot be changed.

 “Giving up hope for a better past we reclaim the energy for the future.” Paul Bailey

Ask yourself what keeps you bound to the person who hurt you

Ask yourself if wanting something from the other person keeps the wound open and fresh. It’s normal to want someone to apologise or acknowledge the pain they have caused. It’s normal to think this will help you move on. Unfortunately the perpetrator may never be willing or capable of saying sorry or feeling guilty or remorse much less express remorse for the pain and anguish they have caused. Your pain and anger won’t change their capacity for insight. You will experience the consequence of waiting, not them.

It is key to accept you cannot change the person who hurt you. Thinking you can move on only when the perpetrator changes only keeps you stuck. Instead focus on how you can change.

“Being stuck wanting something from the perpetrator is like going back to an empty well for water. Your bucket is going to come up dry.” Susan Forward.

Exercises that might help: –

Please note these exercise can be very difficult and will be further explored in following blogs. Just like part one, these exercises are about externalising the emotion and taking back control.  At first you may not feel the symbolic exercise has lessened your desire for a reaction from the perpetrator but the act of doing the exercise is the first step to acknowledging you have the power to release yourself from the ties that bind you to the perpetrator.

• Letting go of wanting an apology – Write on a leaf the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. Place the leaf in a  waterway and watch it float away. Every time you feel yourself wishing for an apology or response from the perpetrator visualise the leaf floating away and along with it your desire for the words.
• Write on a piece of paper the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. On a separate piece of paper write down how your life would be different if you heard those words from the person who hurt you. Take the first piece of paper and burn it (safely).  Now ask yourself who has the power to make the things on the second bit of paper a reality. Don’t give the perpetrator the power to decide if you are able to move on. Act as if you already have everything you need to move forward. You can’t change the past, you can’t change the perpetrator. Don’t let someone else control how and when you take steps towards resolution.

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Oprah Winfrey

Which comes first the victim or the rescuer?

I was recently asked why people stay in victim mode long after a painful event. Though I think I had a long winded answer the simple fact is victim behaviour is rewarded with attention and sympathy and as long as there are rescuers there will be victims.

Everyone has the predisposition and capacity to wallow for longer than necessary and who doesn’t like a little sympathy and attention when things are going badly. But it can easily turn into being an emotional vampire. You can easily start to believe the world is against you and thus your circumstances are not your fault.

Those that step in to provide help are of course not always rescuers. But there is a fine line between well meaning support and keeping a person disempowered and needy to meet your own need to be useful and purposeful. This can often lead to a martyr like mentality where the person offering support begins to control and manipulate those they rescue while becoming more and more bitter about the demands placed on them.

Moving through painful times requires a desire to heal rather than a desire for sympathy. Helping people to move on requires showing empathy and clearing the path for the person to acknowledge and utilise their own resources wherever possible. Both parties have to face their fears to build a healthy relationship based on respect.

Three simple steps to changing your negative thinking

Step one:  Listen – Listen to what you say to yourself. Take note of your self talk, which is the running dialogue of appraisals or judgements you have a about yourself. One way of putting it is to be a fly on the wall in your own mind. If you don’t listen you can’t change it.

Step two:  Name – Give the self talk a name. Find a way to sum up the statements you are making about yourself.  Like giving a person a nick name based on their personality you are giving the self talk a name based on the theme of the conversation.

Step three:  Change – Decide you’re going to pick a new name that will trigger a whole new way of seeing yourself.

For instance.

Lee often feels her confidence is lowest when she attends meetings at work. Tired of feeling anxious and negative about her job she decided to try the three steps.

Step one:  Listen – As Lee takes a seat at the table her internal dialogue is dominated by thoughts that she’s going to embarrass herself in front of others and her work isn’t as good as everyone else and that none of her colleagues like her.

Step two:  Name – Lee gives these thoughts a name that encompasses the declaration she’s making about herself by allowing these thoughts to continue. She came up with. Mrs. I’m not good enough

Step three:  Change – The awareness of her self talk allowed Lee to walk into the next meeting with a  different mindset instead of repeating the habit of putting herself down and living up to the name Mrs. I’m not good enough she changed the name to Mrs. I’m more than enough. With the new name in mind she refocussed her thoughts on the positives she was taking into the meeting such as the deadlines met the new clients brought in and ways she had found to connect with her colleagues.

Other name change suggestions:

Miss I don’t know anything         –             Miss Its okay to ask

Mr. Can’t do this                              –             Mr. I can handle this

Mrs. Nobody likes me                    –             Mrs. I like me

Ms. Fear                                              –              Ms. Capable

Mrs. Stress                                         –              Mrs. Zen

Mr. No control                                  –              Mr. Choices

If you are looking for more helpful hints on reducing anxiety click here. 

How to make assertive decisions

When someone asks you to do something how often do you say yes automatically? Even if it’s a time consuming favour or commitment that puts your priorities to the back of the line again. How often do you regret saying yes? The problem isn’t all the people in your life wanting something from you, the problem is responding without considering the cost to you.

The most common response to a requests is “I should” say yes when the truth is we’re all free to choose whether to say yes or no. Being stuck in the “I should” mindset leaves you in a no win situation.  If you say yes when it really isn’t in your best interest it leads to feelings of anger and powerlessness. Leaving you feeling like the victim. If you say no but feel guilty it can lead to conflict as those around you who are used to receiving passive responses from you try to exploit that guilt causing you  to blame others for putting you in the situation.

It is important to acknowledge that this process can be difficult and confronting but the difficulty is greatly outweighed by the benefits of making a decision and being assertive rather than assuming “I should” is the only option.

The solution is giving yourself permission to choose. Give yourself permission to explore options and compromises that might be better suited to you. Give yourself permission to not answer straight away giving you time to consider your options. Even if do say yes allow your consent to include boundaries for your commitment. Stepping out of the rut of the “I should” mindset into to the “I choose” mindset allows you to feel liberated and autonomous and make decisions with your self respect intact.

For more tips see the how to say no page

Trap of conditional happiness

It’s easy to get entrapped by the web of conditional happiness. We all need goals and dreams but we can’t make our happiness conditional on reaching those goals. For instance saying –

I will be happy when:-

I find the right job

I find the right partner

My children get jobs

When the sun shines

When the rain comes

This type of thinking prevents you from seeing the happiness you are capable of experiencing now. You don’t have to wait until all your dreams come true to find a sense of contentment. Step out of the trap of conditional happiness by making choices about the way you evaluate your current circumstances. For instance-

Decide I am happy because:-

I have options

I can stand on my own

My children are looking for work

The rain is good for the garden

I’m going to enjoy the fine weather while it lasts.

You are not trapped. You always have choices.

You can be happy when… Or find a way to be happy now.