Handling Emotions

Using the term handling emotions doesn’t mean to ignore or suppress emotions it means to not let your emotions control you. The following steps outline the basics of managing emotions. This is a starting point to reduce the effect of strong emotions on conflict resolution.

1. Examine your triggers

It’s not the event that causes the emotion but what you thought about the event. E.g. you are angry at your partner for being late for a special dinner. Being late was the trigger but how intense your reaction is depends on how you interpreted their tardiness. For instance if you thought that it was an indication that they don’t respect you then you are going to be more angry than if you thought they needed better time management skills.

Ask yourself if you’re projecting an unwanted characteristic onto others e.g. you are the one who is often late and you dislike that trait in yourself.

Examining your triggers helps you determine what is really fuelling the conflict. E.g. not lack of promptness but lack of respect. You need to understand why it’s important to you before you can express that to the other parties in the conflict.

2. Release emotions

Again I want to reiterate that releasing emotions does not mean supressing or denying. It’s about finding a way to reduce the intensity of the emotion so it’s not building to a point when you can no longer stop inappropriate outbursts or prevent the emotion from being internalised as shame, guilt or resentment. Releasing emotions is also about stepping out of the victim role and being prepared to see the reality of the situation without bias. Therefore enabling you to see what is true about yourself and in turn the other party.

How you release the emotion will depend on the intensity. If you scored your emotion from 5- 10 in the mine for emotions worksheet in part one, you may need to express and release the emotion physically. E.g. safely using a punching bag, running or swimming. This helps prevent the emotion from being stored in the body as tension. If you scored between one and five, emotions can usually be released through relaxation or breathing exercises. For more ideas on releasing and letting go emotions click here.

3. Use the emotion

Use the emotion to motivate change. Don’t place the responsibility for reducing or moderating your emotions on someone else. You are responsible for taking steps to get your needs met. For instance an argument about being late isn’t going to get your need for respect met unless you communicate what respect means to you, why it’s important to you and the specifics on how your partner can show their respect. If honest and open communication is difficult for you use your anger to motivate you to step outside your comfort zone rather than use that anger to blame others for your current unhappiness.

Part three will look at your goals and priorities in conflict situations.

How to use your own wisdom

Do you need to make a decision?

Are you so wrapped up in a conflict at work or at home that you are not sure if your position on the topic is reasonable?

Do you get yourself in trouble because you get swept up in your own emotions?

In these situation I use a really simple “wise mind” exercise that makes it easy to take control and chart all your conflicting emotions and thoughts. It’s also a reminder that even though we may be highly emotional or confused we all have the capacity to discern the right path for us.

Like most of my suggestions it may appear too simple to work but from my own experience and that of my clients it’s a good way to gain some clarity and confidence in your choices and convictions.

On a blank sheet of paper draw two large interlapping circles. e.g.

In one circle write emotional mind in the other write inventive mind and in the overlapping space write wise mind.

The trick in decision making or analysing a conflict situation is to activate our wise mind without denying our emotions or our opinions.

In the emotional mind circle write down all your feelings. No editing. Even if the emotions are destructive or negative the aim is to acknowledge them rather than judge yourself for them.

Then in the inventive mind circle write down what you think to be true.

Now try to write down what you know to be true in the wise mind circle. Stick to the facts. Not the good or bad, right or wrong, should or shouldn’t, fair or unfair.

By analysing the wise mind map you can accept and acknowledge your emotions and thus take steps to manage them. Then you can unglue your opinions and distorting emotions from the facts and define the who, what, when and where of each situation. This helps you to define your objectives in the situation and how to achieve them and respond from your wise mind rather than react from your emotional mind.

By putting your emotions and opinions into words a thought becomes just a thought and an emotion just an emotion rather than a guiding unconscious force in your life.

It’s not all positive all the time

Even though this blog is called hope challenge it isn’t about minimizing the struggles and painful events. It isn’t about ignoring the negatives in your life or acting as if they don’t exist. Its normal and healthy to acknowledge negative events and situations. No matter how optimistic and hopeful you are not everything has to by all positive all the time. The reason I’m pointing this out is because I recently read a book about positive thinking. In one of the chapters it talked about turning a visit to the dentist into a positive. “A trip to the dentist is a chance for new insights e.g. I’m lucky to have teeth. Life without them would be less pleasurable. Without the pain of the drill my teeth would fall out.”

That is what I don’t mean.  You’re allowed to feel lousy about having to go to the dentist. It’s just about putting it in perspective e.g. I’m not gunna like about an hour of my day but I’m going to try not to let it ruin the other twenty three.

Give yourself permission to acknowledge the negatives and acknowledge the consequences. To be mad or sad or whatever you need to be. But try not to let it be all you see.

Paths to Forgiveness – Part one

When a wrong has been done to us e.g. cheating spouse or crime we are told the road to recovery involves forgiveness. We are told that the appropriate response to injury or wrong doing is to cease to harbour resentment and anger.

Health professionals what you to forgive and place emphasis on the importance of forgiving due to the studies that show forgiving has physical and emotional health benefits.

Forgiveness is also a religious concept. Many religions from Judaism to Hinduism view forgiveness as a divine act. In the Christian religion forgiveness is seen as a virtue necessary for God’s forgiveness and therefore salvation.

Both medical and religious perspectives on forgiveness place a huge amount of pressure on us to forgive those that wrong us and suggest forgiveness if a perquisite for physical, psychological and spiritual well being.

It’s a myth. It is possible to move on from hurt and pain without forgiveness.

It okay to not be ready. It’s okay to be angry and hurt. It’s okay to grieve for the person you were before the hurt or anger. It’s okay because it’s a normal human reaction

Instead of forgiveness ask yourself what others ways you can use or channel that anger.

Anger is the most common emotion after going through a hurtful experience. It is true anger can become destructive and unhealthy but it can also be helpful to your journey towards recovery.

You don’t have a choice whether you feel the anger but you do have a choice as to where it takes you. What you use the anger to do.

Anger is a great motivator. Many victims of crime have used their anger to get involved in activism and support groups. Anger can be used to seek help and take the necessary steps to heal.  In cases of abuse anger is considered an adaptive and healthy emotion that helps a survivor gain insight into the fact that they are worthy of being in a healthy relationship. Denying their anger and forgiving the perpetrator often leads to remaining in a destructive relationship and continuing the cycle of abuse where the perpetrator seeks forgiveness but continues the behaviour. Sexual abuse survivors often gain a sense of peace and regain their self esteem by being given permission not forgive.

Instead of forgiving ask yourself how you can process and express your anger without letting the emotion become unhealthy or unsafe to yourself or others. Learn the difference between anger and violence as well as other unhelpful emotions.

Exercises to try that may help:-

Describe and change anger visualisation

• Try to describe your anger. Give it a shape, colour, sound, texture. Then try to imagination that anger being slowly transformed. E.g. If your anger seems spiky and red see it gradually transform to smooth and white.

Throw away the emotions you don’t want.

• Write the emotions you don’t want on a rock and throw away. E.g. write or etch the word anger on a rock and throw into waterway.

Swimming

• Swimming can help you to express and release anger. Feel the anger being pushed out of your body with every stroke, every kick of your legs. See it being left behind you in your wake and cleansed by the water. Infuse your strokes with emotion and feel the power of your body to move through that emotion. Don’t be afraid to yell or scream under the water. Let it out. Let it dissolve into the bubbles around you.
• You can use any kind of exercise to release anger. Many people find using a punching bag helpful but it must be done with the proper safety gear. Be forceful with your intentions but be kind to yourself.

These exercises are about eternalising emotions like anger. This helps you feel a sense of control over your emotions. This is an important first step on the pathway to forgiveness.

Journal Writing

Journal writing can be used as a healing tool and a creative outlet. It’s a great way to begin the process of expressing yourself and building up writing muscles.

Why journal

—  Gain perspective

—  Connect to what is important to you

—  Power and healing in self expression

—  Used as tool for change or reflection

—  Emotional literacy

—  Connect with your intuition and imagination

—   Helps you learn to express yourself safely and build confidence in your ability to do so without those feelings overwhelming you

—  Fun

—  Your journal can be completely private or a shared experience that is up to you because in essence it will become your own language of the unconscious

Step one

Get a writing pad

Favourite pen

Special place to keep it

Have a look at the journal prompt and try committing to writing for just 10 minutes with no editing, no judgement, just write.

Journal Prompt One

Imagine you could create a doorway that leads to all your dreams. If you walk through all your dreams come true come.

What does the door look like?

Try to describe the colour, shape, handle, any patterns on the door and what it’s made of.

How would tomorrow be different from today if you walked through the door.