Using the term handling emotions doesn’t mean to ignore or suppress emotions it means to not let your emotions control you. The following steps outline the basics of managing emotions. This is a starting point to reduce the effect of strong emotions on conflict resolution.
1. Examine your triggers
It’s not the event that causes the emotion but what you thought about the event. E.g. you are angry at your partner for being late for a special dinner. Being late was the trigger but how intense your reaction is depends on how you interpreted their tardiness. For instance if you thought that it was an indication that they don’t respect you then you are going to be more angry than if you thought they needed better time management skills.
Ask yourself if you’re projecting an unwanted characteristic onto others e.g. you are the one who is often late and you dislike that trait in yourself.
Examining your triggers helps you determine what is really fuelling the conflict. E.g. not lack of promptness but lack of respect. You need to understand why it’s important to you before you can express that to the other parties in the conflict.
2. Release emotions
Again I want to reiterate that releasing emotions does not mean supressing or denying. It’s about finding a way to reduce the intensity of the emotion so it’s not building to a point when you can no longer stop inappropriate outbursts or prevent the emotion from being internalised as shame, guilt or resentment. Releasing emotions is also about stepping out of the victim role and being prepared to see the reality of the situation without bias. Therefore enabling you to see what is true about yourself and in turn the other party.
How you release the emotion will depend on the intensity. If you scored your emotion from 5- 10 in the mine for emotions worksheet in part one, you may need to express and release the emotion physically. E.g. safely using a punching bag, running or swimming. This helps prevent the emotion from being stored in the body as tension. If you scored between one and five, emotions can usually be released through relaxation or breathing exercises. For more ideas on releasing and letting go emotions click here.
3. Use the emotion
Use the emotion to motivate change. Don’t place the responsibility for reducing or moderating your emotions on someone else. You are responsible for taking steps to get your needs met. For instance an argument about being late isn’t going to get your need for respect met unless you communicate what respect means to you, why it’s important to you and the specifics on how your partner can show their respect. If honest and open communication is difficult for you use your anger to motivate you to step outside your comfort zone rather than use that anger to blame others for your current unhappiness.
Part three will look at your goals and priorities in conflict situations.
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