It’s normal to be stuck wishing the past could be different. You’re allowed to be sad for what you have lost i.e. innocence and trust. You’re allowed to be sad for how things could be different and to wish a painful event had never happened.
It helps to let yourself grieve and be sad about what you feel you have lost. Moving through the grief rather than denying or avoiding helps to progress towards acceptance that the past cannot be changed.
“Giving up hope for a better past we reclaim the energy for the future.” Paul Bailey
Ask yourself what keeps you bound to the person who hurt you
Ask yourself if wanting something from the other person keeps the wound open and fresh. It’s normal to want someone to apologise or acknowledge the pain they have caused. It’s normal to think this will help you move on. Unfortunately the perpetrator may never be willing or capable of saying sorry or feeling guilty or remorse much less express remorse for the pain and anguish they have caused. Your pain and anger won’t change their capacity for insight. You will experience the consequence of waiting, not them.
It is key to accept you cannot change the person who hurt you. Thinking you can move on only when the perpetrator changes only keeps you stuck. Instead focus on how you can change.
“Being stuck wanting something from the perpetrator is like going back to an empty well for water. Your bucket is going to come up dry.” Susan Forward.
Exercises that might help: –
Please note these exercise can be very difficult and will be further explored in following blogs. Just like part one, these exercises are about externalising the emotion and taking back control. At first you may not feel the symbolic exercise has lessened your desire for a reaction from the perpetrator but the act of doing the exercise is the first step to acknowledging you have the power to release yourself from the ties that bind you to the perpetrator.
- Letting go of wanting an apology – Write on a leaf the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. Place the leaf in a waterway and watch it float away. Every time you feel yourself wishing for an apology or response from the perpetrator visualise the leaf floating away and along with it your desire for the words.
- Write on a piece of paper the words you want to hear from the person who hurt you. On a separate piece of paper write down how your life would be different if you heard those words from the person who hurt you. Take the first piece of paper and burn it (safely). Now ask yourself who has the power to make the things on the second bit of paper a reality. Don’t give the perpetrator the power to decide if you are able to move on. Act as if you already have everything you need to move forward. You can’t change the past, you can’t change the perpetrator. Don’t let someone else control how and when you take steps towards resolution.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” Oprah Winfrey
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